A good Irish joke for a pub, a wedding speech or a family WhatsApp group usually turns on a word, a bit of stubborn logic or a quick answer back. A farmer gives you directions you can’t use. A priest asks for a novena and gets an offer of timber. Ted tries to explain why the cows look so small.
Here are our picks for the 32 best Irish jokes of all time, including 12 story jokes, 10 short jokes and one-liners, six gags from Irish comedians, and four famous lines from Irish writers and television.
Our picks at a glance
- Best story joke – The confession and the timber (No. 4).
- Best one-liner – The two men on either side of the river (No. 14).
- Best from a comedian – Dave Allen on dust and dead skin (No. 25).
- Best from television – Father Ted on small cows and faraway cows (No. 31).
- Best for a toast or speech – Whiskey on the grave (No. 8).
How We Chose the Best Irish Jokes
We picked jokes that work out loud, from quick puns to stories about family, the parish and everyday life. Wordplay, timing and a good comeback counted for more than an elaborate setup.
We’ve retold the traditional jokes in our own words. The links in the comedian and famous quotes sections point to published versions, biographical sources and research on disputed attributions.
Classic Irish Story Jokes
Most of these take under a minute to tell. Give the farmer in No. 2 a little time to think before you get to the punchline.
1. The Irishman at the New York Crossing
An Irishman newly arrived in New York is waiting to cross a busy street. The traffic cop holds up his hand to the cars and shouts, “All right, pedestrians!” The Irishman stays put. A few minutes later the cop shouts it again. Still nothing. Eventually the Irishman walks over and asks, “When is it the turn of the Catholics?”
2. Asking for Directions in the Country
A lost driver pulls up beside a farmer leaning on a gate and asks the way to Ballybunion. The farmer has a long think, scratches his head, starts to give directions, stops, starts again, and finally says, “Well, if I were going to Ballybunion, I wouldn’t start from here.”
Swap in a town your audience knows if you’re telling it out loud.
3. The Priest and the Devil
Old Michael is on his deathbed and the parish priest is beside him. “Michael,” says the priest, “do you renounce the devil and all his works?” Michael says nothing. The priest asks again, louder. Michael opens one eye and says, “Father, this is no time to be making enemies.”
4. The Confession and the Timber
Paddy goes to confession. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been stealing timber from the building site.” The priest asks how much. “Enough for a shed, Father. And a garage. And the extension on the back.” The priest sighs and says, “For your penance, you’ll make a novena. Do you know how to make a novena?” Paddy says, “I don’t, Father. But if you’ve got the plans, I’ve got the timber.”
Our pick for the best story joke. A novena is nine days of prayer, which makes the priest’s choice of the word “make” all the better.
5. The Nuns in the Car
Two nuns are driving through Donegal at night when a gang of lads starts hammering on the car at a junction. The nun driving says to the other, “Quick, show them your cross!” The second nun winds down the window and roars at them to clear off in language no nun should know. Then she turns back and asks, “Was that cross enough?”
6. The Council Workers
A woman watches two council workers on her road. One digs a hole. The second fills it in. Then the first digs another hole a few metres along, and the second fills that in too. After an hour she goes out and asks what on earth they are at. “Ah, normally there’s three of us,” says one. “But the lad who plants the trees is off sick today.”
7. The Lawyer’s Complaint
An English barrister is losing patience with his Irish client. “Why is it,” he snaps, “that every time I ask you a question, you answer with another question?” The client thinks for a second and says, “Who told you that?”
8. Whiskey on the Grave
Two old friends are sharing a drink. “Seán,” says one, “when I go, will you do me a favour? Will you pour a bottle of good whiskey over my grave?” Seán thinks about it. “I will, of course,” he says. “But would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?”
It fits neatly beside a birthday toast. If you want something to raise a glass to afterwards, try one of these Irish birthday blessings and toasts.
9. The Fly in the Pint
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar when a fly lands in each of their pints. The Englishman pushes his away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes his fly out and carries on drinking. The Irishman picks his fly up by the wings, holds it over the glass and shouts, “Spit it out, you thief!”
10. The Barking Dog
A man is kept awake every night by his neighbour’s dog barking in the back garden. On the fourth night he gets up, climbs over the wall, lifts the dog and puts it in his own back garden. “Now,” he says, going back to bed, “let’s see how they like it.”
11. Bad News and Worse News
A Cork man goes back to his doctor for test results. “I’m afraid I’ve bad news and worse news,” says the doctor. “The bad news is you have three days to live.” The man is stunned. “What could be worse than that?” The doctor says, “I’ve been trying to ring you since Monday.”
12. Delighted
A man is pacing outside the labour ward when a midwife comes out. “How dilated is she?” a nurse asks the midwife. The husband cuts in. “Ah, she’s over the moon altogether. We’ve been waiting years for this.”
Say this one out loud so the audience can hear how “dilated” becomes “delighted”.
Short Irish Jokes and One-Liners
These are short enough for a card, a St Patrick’s Day post or the family WhatsApp group. With the puns, a groan counts as a win.
13. The Farmer and the Sheep
A farmer is walking down the road with two sheep. His neighbour asks, “Are you going to shear them?” The farmer says, “Not at all. They’re both mine.”
14. The Two Men on the River
One man shouts to another on the far bank of the River Lee, “How do I get to the other side?” The second man shouts back, “You’re on the other side!”
15. The Irish Mammy and the Lightbulb
How many Irish mammies does it take to change a lightbulb? None. “Sure, don’t worry about me. I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
16. Garden Furniture
What do you call an Irishman who sits out in the garden all summer? Patty O’Furniture.
17. The Bulletproof Irishman
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O’Shea.
18. The Westport Librarian
What did the Westport librarian say when a book fell on her head? “I only have my shelf to blame.”
19. The Galway Weather Forecast
What do you call two days of rain in Galway? The weekend.
20. Italian Food
What does an Irishman get after eating too much Italian food? Gaelic breath.
21. Halloween Drinks
What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? Boos.
22. The Dublin Bakery
“Have you got any of yesterday’s bread?” a customer asks in a Dublin bakery. “Come back tomorrow,” says the baker.
Jokes From Famous Irish Comedians
23. Dave Allen on Getting Directions to Limerick
Born David Edward Tynan O’Mahony in Tallaght, Co Dublin, Dave Allen told stories from a tall stool with a glass in hand. His television shows mixed seated stand-up with sketches, and his usual sign-off was “May your God go with you.” Read his obituary in The Independent.
On his way to Limerick, Allen asked a man for directions and got a long list of right turns to ignore before taking a left. When Allen asked why he hadn’t simply said to take the first left, the man replied, “Who’s giving these directions, me or you?” Read Allen’s full directions routine at IrishCentral.
24. Dave Allen on Irish Wakes
“The terrible thing about dying over in Ireland is you miss your own wake.” Read a transcript of Allen’s 1979 Late Late Show performance in Multimodal Humour at Play.
Allen’s Catholic upbringing ran through his act. After his death in 2005, BBC comedy chief Jon Plowman singled out the jokes and sketches that took on religion. Read Plowman’s tribute at Chortle.
25. Dave Allen on Dust
Allen starts with the idea that most dust is dead skin, then asks you to think about what happens when you dust the house. His answer is that “you’re just moving your grandmother around.” Read the full bit at IrishCentral.
It’s our pick from the comedians. A few words about housework and suddenly you’ve got a picture you can’t unsee.
26. Frank Carson on His Musical Family
Frank Carson grew up in north Belfast, found fame on Opportunity Knocks and was known for “It’s a cracker” and “It’s the way I tell ’em”. He died aged 85 in February 2012. Read RTÉ’s obituary.
“I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.” See the line in a collection of Carson quotes.
27. Frank Carson at the Butcher’s
In Carson’s joke, his wife tells the butcher there’s a sheep’s head in his window. The butcher replies, “That’s a mirror.” Read the original in the Belfast Telegraph collection.
28. Hal Roach and the Jigsaw
Waterford-born Hal Roach performed for 26 years at Jury’s Cabaret in Dublin, earning a Guinness World Record for the longest engagement by a comedian at one venue. Read RTÉ’s tribute to Hal Roach.
In Roach’s jigsaw gag, a man is delighted to finish a puzzle in a few months. After all, the box says “four to six years”. Read the gag in an archived reprint of an IrishCentral tribute.
Famous Irish Wit From Writers and Television
29. Oscar Wilde and Resisting Temptation
“I can resist everything except temptation.” Lord Darlington says it in the first act of Lady Windermere’s Fan. You’ll sometimes see the line quoted with “anything” in place of “everything”. Read Act 1 at Standard Ebooks.
30. Spike Milligan’s Headstone
Spike Milligan had the last word from his grave. His headstone at St Thomas’s Church in Winchelsea, East Sussex, reads “Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite”, Irish for “I told you I was ill”. The stone went up in May 2004, about two years after he died. Read the Irish Examiner report on the inscription.
31. Father Ted and the Faraway Cows
In the 1996 Father Ted episode “Hell”, Ted holds up toy cows to explain perspective to Dougal. “These are small… but the ones out there are far away.” Dougal still doesn’t get it. The line placed third in a 2017 poll of British comedians. See the poll result at Lovin Dublin.
You can do the bit yourself with two coffee mugs and a window.
32. Brendan Behan and the Writing Problem
“I’m a drinker with a writing problem” is widely credited to Brendan Behan, though the date and setting of the remark are uncertain. The phrase is so closely associated with him that it appears in the title of an academic study of his reputation.
Who Really Said It? Famous Irish Quips Checked
| Line | Usually credited to | What the record shows |
|---|---|---|
| “I can resist everything except temptation.” | Oscar Wilde | Confirmed. Lord Darlington says it in Act 1 of Lady Windermere’s Fan (1892). |
| “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” | Oscar Wilde | Printed anonymously in Wales in 1875. Frank Harris later attributed it to Wilde in a 1916 biography. |
| “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” | Oscar Wilde, at US customs in 1882 | Unproven. The earliest printing researchers have found dates to 1910, almost 30 years after the trip. |
| “I told you I was ill.” | Spike Milligan | Confirmed. The line appears in Irish on his headstone in Winchelsea. |
| “These are small… but the ones out there are far away.” | Father Ted | Confirmed. Ted says it in the 1996 episode “Hell”. |
| “I’m a drinker with a writing problem.” | Brendan Behan | Widely credited to Behan. The date and setting are uncertain. |
The earliest known printing of the “drinking classes” line appeared anonymously in The Cambrian News in 1875. The customs quip turns up in a 1910 Oscar Wilde calendar, a decade after his death. Quote Investigator traces the print history of the drinking classes line and the customs quip.
Which Irish Jokes Work Best for a Speech, a Toast or Kids?
- Wedding or birthday speech – The whiskey on the grave (No. 8), the lawyer’s complaint (No. 7) or the Irish mammy and the lightbulb (No. 15).
- Children and school – The river (No. 14), the sheep (No. 13), the Westport librarian (No. 18) or the Dublin bakery (No. 22).
- St Patrick’s Day cards and posts – Garden furniture (No. 16), Rick O’Shea (No. 17), Galway weather (No. 19) or Gaelic breath (No. 20).
- Pub storytelling – The confession (No. 4), directions (No. 2) and the council workers (No. 6) reward a slow build.
- A crowd that knows its Irish comedy – Dave Allen on dust (No. 25) or Father Ted’s cows (No. 31).
If the evening turns into a singsong, try our favourite Irish drinking songs. For a toast to close the night, pick one of these Irish blessings.
Frequently Asked Questions About Irish Jokes
What Is a Kerryman Joke?
A Kerryman joke is a type of county rivalry joke in which someone from County Kerry is cast as the fool. Some versions turn the setup around and have the Kerryman outsmart the person who underestimated him.
Who Was the Most Famous Irish Joke Teller?
Dave Allen was one of the best-known Irish joke tellers, thanks to shows such as Dave Allen at Large. Frank Carson was famous for his quick-fire one-liners, and Hal Roach spent 26 years performing at Jury’s Cabaret in Dublin.
Are Irish Jokes Offensive?
It depends on where the laugh comes from. A wordplay joke like the farmer and the sheep works because of the sound of “shear”. A joke that needs the audience to think Irish people are stupid or always drunk can come across as insulting.
What Does “It’s the Way I Tell ’Em” Mean?
It was Belfast comedian Frank Carson’s catchphrase. It means the timing and delivery can get a laugh even when the joke itself is a groaner.
